Crossroads…
Ooowee! I know I said I was going to get better at posting. LOL Clearly, I’m failing at that. LMAO@ Serenity calling me out. *glaring eyes* I’m the queen of making excuses NOT to do something these days. LOL
Oh well….nothing much is going on with me. I’m lying. A whole lot is going on with me. The question is…do I feel like getting into it and even more, would you even be interested? *smh*Um…I am at a crossroads in my life something serious. I don’t know which way to go. Should I go left….right….back where I came from or keep straight down the road? Decisions….decisions. It seems the older I get, the more complicated life becomes. Damn! Sometimes I get so damn frustrated that I want to give up….EVERYTHING. Now before you get over there assuming that I want to bring harm to myself, don’t you fret. However, I will say this….and I’m completely sane. There are times when I feel like….Damn. I wonder if I’d be better off dead. That’s a really f’d up thing to say and think. But….hear me out.
There are times when I’m really feeling f’d up. It seems like no matter what I do things still go wrong. No matter what I say, things go wrong. Sometimes I feel like nobody every REALLY understands where I’m coming from or trying to go. It seems like I can never “come up.” Life is a constant struggle. I get so frustrated because it seems like no matter how good things appear to be, they really aren’t. I need you to understand my frustration ya’ll.
I know that my problems and issues are nothing compared to a lot of other folks. After all, I’m blessed to be alive. I have a job. I pay my bills….barely. It seems I’m robbing Peter to pay Paul on a regular basis. I keep food in the fridge. Although that mug is looking pretty bare now. *smh* I have a wonderful son who doesn’t want for anything. Two parents that love and care for me. I have an array of clothes to put on my back. Even though I can never seem to find something to wear or fit these days. *sigh* I mean, my life doesn’t look that bad. But why do I feel so bad?
It’s a new year and I’m usually all gung ho about changing and doing things differently. Puh-leeze! I haven’t even thought about what I’m going to do differently this year. Besides…continue to look for a new job.
I need some new avenues to go down. I need to be able to channel all of this negative energy into some positive energy. ARGH!!! How I LONG to get back to who I used to be!!! Is that even possible though? I mean….is this it? Is this who I’ve come to be? *shrug* I don’t know.
Is this what turning 30 is supposed to involve? I mean grant it, I’ve been 30 for almost two years now. LOL But still….Is this what being 30 part II is going to be like for me? Gesh! It has GOT to be better. I feel like I’m experiencing my midlife crisis already! Shiiii! If 30 part II is like this, I’d hate to see what 50 is going to be like. LOL
Anyway when I talk to a few of my close friends, they always tell me to pray. I have to admit that ever since my bout with the Sinister Minister, I haven’t been much into praying. Am I wrong for that? Prior to meeting him [Sinister Minister] I was all into praying and all that. And look what I got. *smh* Man oh man. I could definitely go on. But you already know that story. I do believe that is or has a lot to do with why I don’t pray like I used to. And that might explain why my life is shot to hell right now. *sigh*
I need some serious relief.
I’ve had some bouts with a few “Sinister Ministers” but that shouldn’t deter you from GOD. Your greatest blessings usually come outo of the prayers you do not “feel like” praying. Obedience is better than sacrifice and by simply obeying GOD’s desire for you to communicate with HIM will bring forth some light at the end of your dark tunnel. Don’t let another human, who’s just as fallable as you, keep you from that. It seems like your discomfort in life is there in order for you to seek comfort in HIM. Not a job, not money, not a man…but HIM…
I’ve been there…I’m there now (lol)…so you’re not alone.
Be encouraged.
Comment by Fave — January 23, 2006 @ 1:25 pm
I totally feel you. Sometimes life comes at you from all sides and you wonder how you’ll keep up or get out from under everything. My suggestion, tackle one thing at a time and don’t be so hard on yourself. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Comment by Honest — January 23, 2006 @ 1:38 pm
The first step is admittance. Umm, you seem to have done that very well here. The next step is figuring out a course of action. The next, is taking steps to bring such action to fruition.
Of course, if I’d returned your call from this weekend, you would probably be further along in figuring out a course of action. Right? Right? Don’t answer that. LOL
Shame on me. Shame, shame.
I’ll be calling you back. We got work to do.
Comment by Yolanda — January 23, 2006 @ 2:58 pm
First of all, u know I don’t like you posting all out of the blue. Send me a daggone e-mail or something letting me know you got new isht up.
As for your not praying, what you got from the Sinister Minister was heart-ache. However, you also go a wonderful son. Isn’t that worth saying thanks to God in the form of a prayer?
Comment by The After Party Hostess — January 23, 2006 @ 4:16 pm