The Life & Times of Brown Sugar II

I forgot to mention that upon my return back to work, I received a memo in my box stating that I was nominated for Investigator of the month. (July) *clapping* Ok…I was kind of happy about it. Part of me was surprised and part of me wasn’t. I was surprised because it seems as if my work is never recognized. I was not surprised because I know that I bust my ass last month clearing cases. Clearly, I deserved it but my goal was not to get recognition. I was just doing my job.
To say that I was actually really happy would be a lie. I wasn’t disappointed either. Can you tell that I was experiencing ambivalent feelings? Why couldn’t I just accept it, realize that I had done a job well done and move on? *shrugs* Probably because I was feeling like my co-workers were probably saying, “How the hell did she make investigator of the month?” Did I mention that I am the only female investigator in my office?
Anyway, there was not a big announcement about me making investigator of the month. Nor did I broadcast it or stick that damn “memo” on the wall for everybody to see. Not that I felt the need to be recognized. But you know what I mean? *wondering* Why in the hell couldn’t I get a real “certificate of appreciation.” Go figure.
Ok. That was Tuesday. Today….I was sitting at my desk bright and early (as always) when my supervisor came in and said, “Hey…I need to run something by you.” He was trying to prepare for our departmental monthly meeting so he didn’t have time to elaborate. BUT me being the nosey and insistant person that I am, I asked him to just tell me what it is about.
Well. Appararently, our zone commander pulled him to the side yesterday while they were at yet another meeting and discussed a few issues with him. One issue being me. Our zone commander advised my supervisor that it was brought to his attention by another “investigator” that I, in so many words, am assigned all of the easy to solve cases. As my supervisor went on, I kind of drifted off. I started thinking to myself, “Ain’t this a bitch?!? It’s funny that as soon as I get nominated for Investigator of the month, a muthafucka gotta damn complain. Hatin ass muthafuckas! *sucking teeth* I tried to NOT let it show that I was slightly perturbed. But it was hard as hell. While I wanted to go off, I had to contain my thoughts.

I feel like I can’t win for losing. It’s like, I already feel like I have to PROVE myself. The minute that I OUTSHINE muthafuckas (number wise - ‘cause you know it’s a numbers game) they want to complain about THAT shit. At first they tried to say that I didnt’ know what I was doing. This was when I first came to the unit. Sure. I had a lot to learn because I had never worked in that capacity before. I had never actually did any “investigating” before. Prior to coming to this unit, I was assigned to Narcotics. It goes without saying, that my workload in this unit is completely different from my workload in Narcotics. Ya think?

Anyway, I was never formally trained. What I learned, I learned from asking folks here and there. Even after then, I eventually got into my own groove of things and worked it out. Now here it is, a little after a year of being assigned to this unit, I am nominated Investigator of the month. Whoop-the fuck-eee. *weak crowd cheer*
Back to the other investigator’s comment about me getting all of the easy cases. For one, I don’t discuss my cases with anybody in my office unless I have a question. So how the fuck do they know what type of case I have and what I’m doing with them?!? Ok…I could go on and on. I won’t. Only because the shit ain’t gonna change. For as long as I remain in this male-dominated field, I will continue to run into shit like this. I know this. I do realize that this type of thing doesn’t always occur in male-dominated fields. I’m sure it happens in other work environments.

I even posed that question to my supervisor. How do the other investigators know what type of cases I am assigned? He made a comment that he doesn’t think that an investigator complained. He thinks that the assistant zone commander (my former lieutenant) was the one that said it. She probably saw the memo that my current lieutenant sent to the zone commander. Immediately, the hate began. This lady does not like me for some reason. Honestly, I believe she has a problem with Black women. I’m never one to really pull the race card, but I gotta do it this time. It’s totally obvious in the way she treats me and the other male investigators. I’ve spoken to other Black females that have worked with her and they have said the same exact thing. The more I think about it, the more I believe she is the one that made the comment. Only because she made similar comments when she was my lieutenant. *sucking teeth* I’m starting to believe that our zone commander just thought it was easier to pin the comment on an investigator instead of the assistant zone commander. Who knows?
You know what? I don’t even feel like talking about this shit anymore. My head is hurting just thinking about it. Mainly because I don’t know which way to spray my HATERCIDE. Should I spray it towards my fellow investigators or should I save a big ass dose of it for that damn lieutenant? Aww man. She is such a damn BITCH! Just EVIL for no reason! I wish I could just create a force field that surrounds me and keeps evil folks away from me. I am not the most religious person but I had to keep saying to myself today, “No weapon formed against me shall prosper.” I didn’t say it enough though because I’m still pissed and my damn head hurts.

Ahhh…..how MOTIVATING this job is!!! Can you hear all of the sarcasm in my voice? *cutting eyes*

This entrepreneurial itch is itching even more now….